Everyday Faith

Excerpts from

Dads: When Your Kids Look At You, They See God

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Hey, dads, when your kids look at you, they see God.

Kind of scary, isn't it?

For many people, their first image of God comes from their father.

People who have trouble trusting God often had fathers who let them down, who lied to them. I've heard more than one story of children waiting for a divorced dad to show up on visitation day, only he didn't make it. Didn't even call.

Many of those people struggle with God, especially when they hear the prayer, “Our Father, who art in heaven . . .”

“If God is like my father, I better be careful and not expect much,” they think.

There are some people who see God as The IRS Agent In The Sky just waiting for them to mess up. Their harsh, demanding, overly critical fathers often make them believe they can never please God. After a while, they tend to say, “Why even bother to try?”

People from families where the father was loving, where the father both disciplined and lifted them up tend to have a healthier image of God. When they read Paul saying in the Bible that we should call God “Abba,” as in Daddy, they immediately embrace the idea.

There is a God in heaven who wants the best for them, a God who is not too busy to talk, a God who gives good advice through Scripture and other people of faith.

Then there are people whose fathers just disappeared. They sometimes see God as distant, too busy with the universe to care about them.

Don't think it's true?

Close your eyes and remember how you first saw God. Now, think of your father. Do they match?

For many, they do.

That's why Father's Day is so important.

This is not just a celebration of a man who made a commitment to support his wife and kids. It's so much more.

Sons look at their fathers to discover how a man acts. A father can talk to his children in a different way than a mother. And he can give his children the ultimate gift of loving and supporting their mother, modeling what it means to be a father, a husband and a man.

Daughters often use their fathers as a way to gauge how a man (and a possible future husband) should treat them. Does he listen to Mom? Does he sell out his family for a promotion? Does he use the silent treatment when angry? Does he get physical? Or does he sit down and try to talk things out?

Bottom line: Fathers matter.

Ask anyone who grew up without one. Or with a lousy one. Or a drunken, addicted, violent one. Or with a dad who made them feel loved, who cared about them enough to set limits and insist that the basic rules of civilized behavior be followed.

It's true that not every person with a Father Problem has a God Problem or Life Problem. There are heroic mothers and grandmothers who modeled God's compassion, whose determination, self-sacrifice and prayers kept their children on the proper path.

Often, a grandfather, uncle or some other Father Figure steps up to help that single mom with the child.

But the facts are that children from fatherless homes are at least twice as likely to drop out of school, become pregnant in high school and end up in prison.

I repeat: Fathers matter.

That may seem obvious, but there is a growing trend in society that says otherwise.

A story by syndicated columnist Linda Chavez mentioned a government-funded study by Child Trends that asked the question, “Do you agree that one parent can bring up a child as well as two parents together?”

Forty-two percent of women agreed with that; only 26 percent of men did.

That makes no sense.

Sure, a single mom can bring up a good kid. But wouldn't it be easier and better if two committed parents shared the job?

Among minorities, 64 percent agreed that one parent is enough, which Child Trends says matches the birthrate of single parents in that community.

It seems that a large portion of women have lost confidence in the ability of men to be honorable fathers. And maybe that's because so many men have grown up without fathers in the home, so they don't know how they are supposed to act.

It's not going to change unless we say, “Hey, we've got a Father Problem here, we better start training our men in schools and churches.” Older men who have been decent fathers have to start teaching the young men about fatherhood.

I once talked to a guy who was in solitary confinement in an area jail. He was about 18 and had been busted on drug charges. He also had a child.

“I'm just hurting myself,” he said.

“But you're not there for your son,” I said.

“I know,” he said. “But I grew up without a dad, and I came out OK.”

He was serious.

And so is the problem.

Pretending it's not is just asking for more trouble, more kids who are looking to Dad for everything from spiritual to practical guidance—only to have their hearts broken because no one is there.