Preface
Introduction
The 60 Minutes Nightmare
Amazing Stories!
California, Here I Come
A Fabulous Trip
Reincarnation
Shortstop Julius Frankel
Dawgs
Automotive Desire
Beloved Christmas Memories
What to Do for Your Valentine
Human Baseball Failings
Horny
Happy Teeth
Mr. Dough-Re-Mi
My Advice to J. D. Salinger
Party! Party!
In Dreams
Bank Shots
Audio Madness
Into the Woods
Secret Squirrels
Prescription: Meat
A Few Odd Resolutions
A Message from Pleasantville
Cheeping and Squeaking
Hello, I Must Be Going
You’re Fired
Job Hunting: Boring or Stupid?
King Kong vs. Patty Duke
A Cheap Uncle
Momentous Events of 1989
Browns Notes
The Great Indoors: The Movie
Why I Am Not a Mercenary
My Right Foot
Walking and Dogs
Nightmare on 60 Minutes, Part II
Me and the Champ
Up in Michigan
The Great Insomnia Battle
Toot, Toot, Tootie, Good-Bye
My Hot Date with Ivana Trump!
Stop Bothering Me
On the Wedding Trip
Some Birthday
Fashion: Pants and Stains
Attack of the Kitten People
Impending Domestic Bliss
Yet Another Injury
Before the Trip to New York
New York, New York
Thoughts on Dizzy
Chips: The Greatest
Dream Boyfriend
Baby Shower
Again, Ahead of the Pack
Bat!
The I-Team Nightmare
Why I Am a Sex Machine
Going to the Grocery Store
The Greatest Vacation of All Time
You’ll Hear from My Psychologist
Ask the Cat Man
A Trip to Gander Mountain
How to Sit with Babies
Pretzels: The Inside Story
My Hot Date with Katarina Witt!
Mr. Hospitality
Mutual Interaction with the Animal World
Hardened Earwax: The Inside Story
My Congressional Campaign Speech
Why I Am Anal Retentive
A Thanksgiving Menu Plan
Raymond Burr in a Lump
Big Plans for ’93
Eating Healthy Organic Food
The Joy of Mel
Indoor Tips for Gents
Why I Am a Finn
I Am an Auto Consultant
No Cocktail Tacos at This Wedding
Behavior In and Around Bathrooms
The Truth About Cussin’ Jobs
An Excellent Leasing Adventure
My Nice Time with Madonna!
Assorted Honeymoon Worries
Tense Shopping Situations
The Married Sex Machine
The Submariner
Life and Death Questions
A Philosophy on Aging
The Chairman Will Rule
Fabio and Me on Love
A Very Clinton Holiday
Cry of the Timberwolf
A Valentine from the Sex Machine
Designing Your Indoors
The Indoor Performance Art Festival
Hoe to Eat to Not Be Dead
The Bitter Truth About Tots
Glad You Asked!
New Levels of Being Boring
Buzzards Ripped My Flesh
The 42 Key Marital Phrases
The Dogs of Summer
Death of a Salesman
Looking to Feed Somebody
Secrets of Swinging Singles
Your Pal the Colon
Vexing Questions
The World’s Oldest Dad
Path of the Grocery People
How We Put Out a Newspaper
A Day in the Life
Death of a Garden Celebrity
Baywatch: Symbols and Themes
Film Festival Losers
Partying Down with Tots
Jobs I Lucked Out On
Secrets of Fine Writers
Is the Cat Dizzy Crazy?
The Joy of Gloating
A Poet, But I Know It
Plusses and Minuses of Turning 40
The Indoors Fall TV Preview
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Tribe Psychosis
James Bond Indoors
Sundays Will Never Be the Same
Cleaning Fashion 1996
Beating “Winter Blues”
Valentine from a Prince
Why I Talk to Food
Natural Stuff Explained
The NFL Owner’s Manual
Indoor Style Tips
Fun in the Office
Tacos and Aging
I Wanna Do TV News
Ways I’d Rather Not Die
Who Will Be My Lady?
The Indoors Academy Exam
How to Get Yourself a Date
The Sound of Mucus
Blowing the Lid off Squirrels
If You Had to Read This Column
A Very Nixon Holiday
Obituaries
